Letters From Aunt Michelle

Dear Nieces & Nephews, I shopped Black Friday this year for our Christmas gifts, and couldn’t pass up Menards’ $10 9-pack of jigsaw puzzles. I thought it would make a good gift for Sanae, but puzzling became my own Christmas pastime, keeping me up hours past my bedtime for 5 days in a row. Wrestling down guilt over “wasted time,” I convinced myself instead that I was getting a good education. Tomorrow, 3-6 pm, we're hosting #4 of our "Wildfire" events for teens and young adults. Grandpa Dave will teach and lead a discussion on evangelism, and we will enjoy worship, dinner and fellowship. Here are some lessons from all my puzzling that we'll put into practice in our discussion: We need to hear what's on your heart to complete the picture of what God is saying. What's more disappointing than a puzzle with a missing piece? Don’t expect your piece to finish the puzzle, or be bigger than the other pieces. Just share your experience and let the next person build on that. "Stand up, speak up, shut up," Grandpa Clark used to say. Only we won't make you stand up. And we would never use such disrespectful words, Grandpa Clark. Affirm what a person says as you add to it. It’s so satisfying to affirm a fit piece with a “snap” and a flourish of the hand before moving on. In our discussion, it might sound like, “I agree, and …” Go ahead and laugh! Be funny if you want, with tact. When a puzzle piece falls to the floor, humor keeps things fun as long as it doesn’t replace the goal of completion or insult the clumsy one. Keep stepping back to see what God is saying and doing. He’s the Master Painter. Looking at the puzzle box leads from slump to triumph.

Dear Nieces & Nephews, Did you know that rules stimulate the desire to break them? It says so right in Romans 7:5. “For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death.” Bingo. The source of all my parenting woes! The law. Rules. What’s a parent to do? Get rid of rules? “By no means!” to use Paul’s phrase. Jesus didn’t come to get rid of the law, but to fulfill it. So if I’m to follow His parenting example, I don’t get RID of our rules, I fulfill them. What?! What in Heaven does THAT mean in the heat of battle? I wish I could give a clear, concise answer, but all I have is hints that I’m collecting in a bucket. Do you care to join me? If not, skip the next twelve paragraphs and jump back in where I tell you Lexie’s inspiring story. This is what I've got in the bucket so far: Rules, like “The Law” of the Old Testament, reveal the existence of naughtiness. Without them, we wouldn’t even know what's naughty. We need them. The problem is, they also stimulate a desire to break them. Which leads to pain. (Keep reading Romans 7-8. It paints quite a picture.) If God provided a way out of this pain with sacrifice born out of deep love (dying on the cross), maybe we can do the same for our kids so they can experience it first in the natural realm. “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you,” with natural consequences we neither rescue them from, nor remove ourselves from. We’re still there, with them as they suffer. Yes, we suffer too. Ugh! But with the kind of suffering that brings joy. Maybe God-inspired deep-love-sacrifice releases our kids from the tyranny of forbidden-fruit-infatuation and sets them free to live in a new way, deeply rooted in connection instead of rules. Because our connection to them pulls them into our connection with Christ , facilitating their connection to Christ , which sets them free from sin and changes their whole mindset. Eventually. In a slow progression of their minds learning to choose Spirit ways over sinful nature ways. One small painful step at a time. While we parents have absolutely no control over which way they choose. One of my dear ones stashed every forbidden candy box and wrapper ever collected in their dresser during my ongoing war against sugar in our home.

Dear Nephew, What do you want for your birthday? Like really, really want , so deep down you’re afraid even to say it? I feel like God’s waiting for you to say it. He knows what you want, He just wants to make sure you know what you want. So say it. Then hold onto it with all that tenacity you’re famous for, until you see Him bring it about. He put your deep desires in you for a reason. It’s been a painful process of sorting it out from the surface wants that are so fleeting and even damaging. When I used to take you all shopping and you got to choose something you wanted, the other kids would quickly grab something off the shelf. But for you, it would become such a process. You were so worried you were going to choose the wrong thing and be disappointed. These past few years, you have had many disappointments. From rejections of your love, to devastating breakdowns, to friendships not working out, and then all these health problems. Disappointment times infinity. I believe it’s been a process of sifting in your heart that has been so painful you don’t know what to do with it. I hate to watch it. I hate to see your pain. I think breakthrough is right ahead of you. It’s probably not going to look like you expect it to, but I think it will look many times better. Above all you could ask, think or imagine. Because God’s goodness is infinite. Where it looks like He has forsaken you and let you down, He’s just not coming through in the small things because He needs you to let them go so you can grab hold of the big things He’s offering you. There is so much champion in you. So much skill. Such refreshing wit. Such a winning smile. Such a blend of tenacity and tenderness. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. How relieved that we are still close. I want to team with you for whatever is ahead. I love you from the bottom of my heart, Aunt Michelle

Dear Nieces & Nephews, You’re always on my mind. I’m hoping that with the approaching holidays and Camp Fire gatherings (more on this later), I will see you in person soon. In the meantime, here’s to writing again! I was part of a mom-care panel a couple weeks ago, sharing with homeschool moms some of my triumphs and failures in caring for myself while caring for children. The next day, while that was still on my mind, Aunt Marian called to offer me a week’s stay in a cottage at Christmas Mountain in The Dells because of a last-minute cancellation. I accepted, and God took such good care of me there! I decided what mom-care ultimately means is letting Him care for me, and cooperating as He directs me to assist. We moms would call that “obedience.” A good friend told me recently, “Michelle, if I was God, I’d give you an A+ for effort and a D- for results. But that’s not how God grades us. He grades us on our obedience. Some plant, some water, but it’s God who provides the increase. Just keep doing what He tells you to do.” OK. I can do that. I’m actually really good at obeying. I mean, I can put my nose to the grindstone, grit my teeth and plow as only a mule can. I’d make a really good mule. I’m not so sure mules are happy though. Our Midnight is, but … well … she’s never worked a day in her life and knows nothing about obedience.

Dear Nieces & Nephews, I haven’t written in a while. It’s not because I’ve thought of you less, but because the thoughts haven’t been clear enough to express. So maybe it’s a time for asking questions instead. How are you? Is your summer ready to hit full-swing? Do you have plans for deep soul-rest mixed into your bucket list? Does this list reflect your heart’s desires, or just the “summer shoulds” that swirl around our culture? Or the demands of your people? Are you giving extravagantly to them, while still letting them exercise their “NO" muscles? Are you exercising your “NO" muscle? Speaking of which, here’s a question about me: Do I teach too much about grace, and not enough about consequences? Probably. I hope that where I have, God will bring balance. He promises to be our Teacher. So maybe I can take the pressure off and realize I only carry a small piece of what He’s saying, and that’s OK. I’m not making or breaking anyone’s life. How about you? Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to be more than you are or to have more than is yours? If so, here are two wonderful terrible thoughts to remember: It’s not about me. ( Whew) I’m not God and am no one's savior. ( Double whew) Some of you have asked how you can help me through this season. I didn’t know until Shannon asked me at church this morning. Mid-answer, it became clear to me: Don't be afraid to look me in the eye. Tell me what’s happening in your life. Show me the world is bigger than the problem trying to block my view. Remind me that I’m still me, and tough things happening don’t change who I am. I'm still just plain ol' yours truly, Aunt Michelle

Let God Handle The Heavy Stuff

Dear Nieces & Nephews, Images of you have been filling my mind this morning. You’re going through so much. I want to be with you in it. But lives have put physical distance between us, along with the invisible barriers that come with full homes and schedules ... only to be crossed at special events and chance encounters at Costco. I sure do want this to change. Being with each other really is a very big deal. It’s the substance of relationship. Jesus wanted his disciples with him when he was entering his darkest hour. He brought them to Gethsemane with him. When he told them he was overwhelmed with grief and sorrow to the point of death (pretty vulnerable), it’s remarkable that they fell asleep on him. It’s not like He had a victim mentality and talked that way all the time. “I want someone with me in my pain,” is central to the human heart, and I believe mirrors God’s. Yet how often do we sleep through our loved ones’ pain? Or defend ourselves in it? Or analyze it? Or devalue it by trying to rationalize it away? Yesterday was the portion of Resurrection Weekend that experiences Jesus’ pain with him, that watches and prays with him, that doesn’t try to explain anything away or fix anything, but just stays with Him. I'm going to give it another day. What does that MEAN for me today, Lord? What does it LOOK like? Watch and pray f or WHAT? There are no soldiers for me to watch for. Perhaps I am just to watch. ??? Why is this so hard? I want to know what to watch for. And I want to know what to do when I see it. But you haven’t told me that yet. And if I try to prepare for it, I’ll bring along a sword and cut off someone’s ear, or something equally rash. JUST WATCH. AND PRAY. AND BE WITH HIM. Be with Him in His pain. Be with my family members in their pain. Don’t try to fix anything. Don’t defend myself. Don’t analyze it or assign blame. JUST WATCH. AND PRAY. AND BE WITH THEM. And remember. I didn’t prepare for this at all, but I’m going to set up our kitchen island with the closest thing I have to bread and wine, and serve a day-long communion. I'm going to remember what my Savior did for me as I watch and pray, and invite Uncle Kerry and your cousins to do it with me. And I'll be remembering YOU, my nieces and nephews. Maybe I can’t be with you, but I remember you. I am praying for you. And I am watching for any points of reconnection. All my love, Aunt Michelle

Dear Nieces & Nephews, We moms put a lot of thought into making sure our kids know enough. Especially when we’re homeschooling, it can become all-consuming. Everything runs through the filter of, “Do my kids need to know this?” or, “How can I help them understand that?” “Will they survive without knowing that thing they have no interest in?” becomes more prevalent as they get into their upper high school years. We know their bents and their battles and choose carefully. Frankly, we'd all do well to apply the same strategy. Maybe it’s time we slacken the line of fear over all we don’t know, and just embrace what life is teaching us in the moment. Especially the hard things. Go ahead and marinate. It’s a lot more effective than a thousand pings of slight recognition from a text book. Thaddeus and Kieran have taught me more about learning from the nitty gritty of life than anyone else. I used to call them our “Dopternal Twins” (twins through adoption). With just two months separating them, they became a formidable duo that took the world by storm the day they locked eyes in parallel play and discovered that combining forces could triple the noise and excitement. Synergy. For some reason, they decided early-on the same thing Uncle Terry used to tell me growing up: That everything I know is wrong. Until proven right. Or at least interesting. This made for an interesting dynamic in our homeschool. They learned to read standing on their heads off the back of the couch. Every subject was made as tangible as possible, and stories were woven into everything ... along with lots and lots of life. We began each day with FPT (Family Project Time), ran our home businesses together, and hosted streams of people and events. When the boys were in 5th Grade, we discovered the Madison Area Home Schoolers basketball team. The first time I saw them play on a team, I wept tears of relief as I saw the good that could come out of their dynamic synergy. Not only were they quick, intense and skillful, they also had the kind of connection that left onlookers breathless, passing the ball blind to each other with uncanny precision. Now they’re 18. Graduation is right around the corner. Life has taken a lot of turns and they’re on different paths. They are still learning some things academically, but mostly we are amazed at what life is teaching them. It’s slow and hard and painful, but so much more effective than books full of random facts. Whenever we see them embrace life, we rejoice. Three flat tires in a month? Wow, is he getting good at changing tires! A friend taking advantage of him? He's figuring out the balance of boundaries and forgiveness. Two parking tickets for the same infraction? (Turns out City of Madison and UW Madison parking enforcements have overlapping jurisdiction during state basketball tournaments.) A whole load of life going on in this one! You get the idea. Yes, life can be painful but it’s such a good teacher. I wonder what it’s teaching you today? Embrace it! Love, Aunt Michelle

Reclaim Your Living Room